Im curious on how far i would get if i left... Would i make it to my destinatin or go half way and turn around and pray that the people i left would take me back? Do i have it made or is living the life i use to live just enough to make me truly have the hole in my heart heeled? To be heeled do i need to face my fears and go to wear my daddy is buried and scream.  My old life is where my territory is and i protect that. Thats my ground. Thats where my blood is. Thats my view that i love the most.

If i could have 1 wish.

If i could have one wish, would i wish for my daddy to be alive so he can hold me one more time. Or in the end would that be a bad thing because for him to hold me one more time it might just put me in more pain, because he would have to leave me all over again. Would i wish to be back with my family in West Virginia, to be around the bad things and walk the streets and remember my past and how it hurt me. For me too look one more time at were i was truly raised and picture my daddy's death aver and over again, because those place around my hometown is where me and him were at. Would i wish for my sister to start over and this time not leave me behind just because she thought she had to. Would i wish to be alone. Higher than the trees higher than the highest mountains. higher than the clouds and higher the n outer space. and higher than whatever else there is. So i could be alone. and free. Would i wish for me to have never existed. Or would i wish to have more wishes. So i could fix me, because everyone knows I'm broken and there is no way to put me back together. Or are all these wishes just dreams. Dreams that could never come true. I stopped wishing along time ago. I don't believe in the magic. I don't make wishes on my birthday or on a shooting star. I have no reason to. My wishes aren't normal. I wish and they do the complete opposite. Dreams for me aren't made to make real. Or at least if my dreams could be real i would be the happiest girl on the entire planet. I could fly with the wind. I could Swim with sharks and dolphins. I could stare at the sun and touch the moon. I could make it to heaven.

Belonging

Talking to some people today brought up some old stuff. I don't know what to do. My sister ran away. As of right now I'm the only person who knows where she truly is. When it comes down to it. I would give off hints, but i love her to much to blow her cover. We always had each others backs and that's never going to change. So is that so wrong? Personally i just want her to be safe. No matter the cost. It ain't over yet. This is just the beginning and it hurts. Any second i could be gone. I love this family. Ill always do. They made me feel whole here. And the hole from where my daddy died felt like it was recovering, but now I'm feeling like I've just be suppressing it. Where do i truly belong? I don't truly know where my Head stands, and with every decision i make. How do i know its the right one? This has been going through my mind all day. I just.. I just don't know. Is it true? blood is thicker than water? I don't know. Is there no place like home. I know where my heart stands.. I think. I grew up on the hills in West Virginia and that's all i know. I cant help but miss the real me. Which no one has seen yet. I don't know where to go from here. I'm on edge. Come on! I'm in foster care. I cant help but missing being me. How do i find my true identity when i cant be myself, because I'm terrified to fuck something else up in my life.. I wish i could just fly away and go higher than the mountains and be stress free. To feel the wind in my face and float as if i was invisible. Where no one knew me. I could be alone. Just be me. Where i could keep my thoughts as one instead of being mixed around in my head..

...

So Christmas is tommorow.. Im going to be without my sister for the first time.. It hurts, but i called my step daddys dad. Pap Blake. He said that if anyone can make it, it would be me. Made my heart melt and made my Christmas

Needing new people to talk to. Just to keep my mind off things. It wont stay out of my head. Its too the point where i just want to get sick. I have the whole in my chest still. WTF. I just dont want to do this stuff anymore. This is the time where i want a man to hold me. I cant take it. It hurts. Im just.. Just so stressed. I just want my momma to hold me. I wanna crawl in a hole and stay there forever... UGHHHH!!! I love my sister so much and i hate that she is going through this. If she goes any where im going to.

 Christmas is seriously my worst holiday! Every year something bad happens. Last year - Just got out of a group home with my sister. step mom comes out calling us idiots. Me and My sister opened up Christmas presents in silence. This year - Just found out today my sister is getting moved to a 3rd foster home and she is having a really tough time with it. She almost got put back into a lock up again. This stuff really sucks. Ive been crossing my finger since December started and i knew something bad was going to happen and it did. Me and My sister are talking about some stuff that i cant really say, but its going to happen and i hope it all works out. and if it don't then it will one day.. hopefully. I'm so stressed out and i keep having these anxiety attacks. I just hate Xmas and my birthday. Shit Sucks. I could just really use people i can really talk to.

The dating game

So, i was watching this movie and it kinda got me thinking about the whole dating world. Most Kids in high school say they have a boyfriend or girlfriend, but have they actually went out on a date? Or is it just in school? Whats the point of " dating " if there not actually getting to know another and there not spending time with each other with out the sex talk or just walking around and feeling powerful, because you actually have that person for the moment? Whats the point of being with someone all through school when, most the time good bye will be involved. Just, Whats the point of love. I guess its because i have been hurt so many times. Ive only loved and lost. Ive never loved and could say that person is gonna be with me forever and there would never be a heart break in there somewhere. I don't know... Everything goes good to bad. Ive never been on a " date " so i guess that's why i think this way. Ive constantly settled for a guy who liked me and I've went for it taking the risk and then started liking him later. I want to like someone and they really likes me back. For me, not for the person i could be or what i was. Ive changed for guys. I don't want to do that anymore. i know i say I'm done with guys but i know truly I'm not. I think I'm going to wait for that someone. I depend to much on guys. That's how it has been since i was little. I put my energy into a guy that doesn't mean anything. I trust to much. I like this guy now and i doubt it would ever happen because theres to many other girls like him and i cant help but feel not good enough. Ive never said that with any other guy, but its just this one. i don't know if I'm up for the challenge, because i don't want to waste my time. It could be because I'm to dang stubborn and i have so much pride. I don't know...

A true Family

A family cares, a family supports you and helps you, a family misses you every second when your gone. A family loves you. Always and Forever. They know what you've been through, they've seen it and helped you. No matter your decisions they'll always truly be the only one that are there. Its not about whose blond you share. Its about the care. You feel warm and safe around them. My family is at my old high school i transferred from. Up in the little room above the gym. Where you can see the American flag outside of the classroom. JROTC. ARMY STYLE. Top was truly my best friend. He talked to me about everything and anything. I get teary eyed just thinking about him. He inspired me to make the decisions to do what I've done. Not the bad, but the good. He showed me how to care. The cadets in that room were not like the others in high school. what happened in ROTC stayed in ROTC. It was family. That was the strongest love I've ever felt in my life. We joked around and talked a lot, but at the end of the day. We were always there. May not have been the best in others eyes but in ours we conquered the entire world. I can i haven't loved much in my life. Hardly a boy or a mother and father, but ROTC is what i loved. The cadets are what i loved. top and Colonel are what i loved. To spend one more day in that class would tare me apart. Just because i know i would have to leave again. I want to sit in that corner chair like i did since i was a let 2. One more day would make my dreams come true. I always wish just one more day with my family. I don't want to ever grow apart  form them, They taught me true life. I love You guys and please never forget.

Not a girl, not yet a woman.

I'm not that little girl anymore. I don't where my little old pony tails. i don't jump at the sight of a toy. I care about what people think of me. I stopped drawing suns on the corner of my paper. I'm not a girl anymore but I'm not yet a woman. I still write on my papers when I'm with someone ( Mr. and Mrs. and his last name) . I still write i love him on my hands and all i want to do is hang out with him. i still wish i was that little girl and sometimes i wish i could take care of myself and never look back at the life Ive had. Truth is I'm not ready to be a woman but I'm not 10 anymore. I'm finding myself and sometimes its hard but at least I'm trying. once you grow up there will never be a going back. dream big. love everyone. don't cry over  a boy because there is going to be thousand more. I'm not as innocent as i once was. I've hit up some roads i never wish i saw. i regret a lot, but I'm moving forward. I say i don't care what people think about me, but if someone calls me a name it takes everything i have to stay in control of my self. If someone asks me to dance I'm going to, because I'm going to take the risk and be fifteen. Take the chance and never regret. think before you speak. Just re consider things before you mess up alot. I wish i could be that little girl and it kills me that i cant go back and re write my true story but im moving forward and im trying to be happy.

BOYSS!!!

Ehhhh.... My topic ha ha.. nothing to inspiring. but hey! nothing else to talk about considering that's the only things on my mind anymore. Sometimes i love just listening to some Fergie and stuff:P just gets me all up and thinking about random crap loll.So i dated this guy for 8 months first guy i ever fell in love with. We broke up, because i thought i was pregnant. He turned 18. It just didn't work out. I think about him everyday hoping he still thinks about me. NEXT ----> Jake..... Well he just wanted sex...... Yeahhhh ..... nvm bout him.. NEXT-----> Kyle.... He wouldn't get a job. He got this girl pregnant and well he didn't want to support, slept till 1 or 2 skipped school, gonna fail, i put all my energy into him and i hope one day he sees i just wanted to help him and I'm sorry for breaking his heart. NOW----.> I haven't figured that out i have talked to a couple people, but I'm not sure. Like i said i want to slow down. I'm 15. Ya know? Every girl wants to be like Cinderella. Prince Charming. The lost slipper. I just want to be me. But with a twist. I want marriage and babies now. I don't know why, but I've been through hell and i want stuff that's mine.... If your a teenager, i think you know the feeling. Just know other people are having that feeling to. BTW if you embarrass your self in front of a guy and they still like you. Its perfect:) Today i went to this Christmas party for foster kids and i met Mat. So cute. He walked outside and mama wanted to go smoke a cig. and i ran into this light up moose and almost fell on my face. He busted out laughing. I still got his number and were talking now:P no such thing as a bad kid, just a good kid with problems

If It Was like that?

I'm kind of curious on what would happen if i was pregnant? I recently found out that my 16 year old sister might be pregnant. It's not for sure yet, but i was with her when she took the home pregnancy test and as far as i know it was positive... I can't go into what mad me think of this, but it just kind of popped in my little brain :P I know it's like this all over the country, but how could a teenager deal with school, A foster home, and being pregnant. Hmmmm I dont know.

Feeling alone isn't unusual for me, but the emptiness i feel is just something you can't explain. It's kinda like when you love someone and you have butterflys in your stomache everytime you see them or when you loose someone. You have that hole in your body and you just can't say it or explain how it feels. The feeling just kinda SUCKS... I've been having that feeling more and more lately. I just lay in bed for a couple hours before and after i'm in bed. Sometimes i just stair into space. I don't know what to say or think. When people talk to me, i have a huge wall up. I don't want to let people in. I've explained so much stuff to people to in my life and something ends up happening to them or they just fall out of my life. Just like that. I love to talk. I could talk your ear off, but not so much anymoe. I could probably sit in the same spot for hours and not eve realize i'm doing it. I'm glad i have this family that loves and cares about me, but sometime i could dissapear or just be invisible. I want other people to know how my life is, butwithout having to tell the story. I want to talk to teenagers who have pretty much the same life as i have so we can really get deep and dirty in the stories and where we really understand each other as if we were in the same body and have seen the same stuff.

The Begining... Just to get the 411 of it all..

Im 15. I'm a Country girl. I love to hunt, fish, four - wheel, and muddin:) Looking at me you would see an innocent child. No problems. Very out going. Does'nt have a care in the world, the reality is, i've been hurt. In more than one ways. My mom ran away with me and my full sister Mandy when i was younger From Oklahoma to West Virginia. My nana lived in Kansas so before the whole WV thing, we lived back and forth from OK to KS. My dad always layed his hands on us. He still won't admit it, but he did. While we were in WV my mama met my step daddy. He was my best friend. I couln't be away from him. He called me his side kick. I didnt start staying at anyones house till i was 13. Crazy Right? well anyways my so called " real dad " Took us from them cause my sister and i got into some major trouble. Well we came down here to NC with him. My step daddy passed away. They say it was because of an anurismn and his heart exploded. Well i know it was from shooting up. Yeah my aunt stuck him in the tongue. I coulda..... But i didnt. I miss him all the time. ( 03/19/2010) Rip. Anywayss when he died my father started freaking out about everything. He started laying his hands on me... wont go into all that.. I got seperated from my sister, because of foster homes. Were only an hour apart. Oct. 16th is when we got seperated, so it hasn't been that long ago. It's been tough, but were makig it through fine. Well That's it for the night.. Any questions anyone has, im a straight up person i'll tell you exactly what you want to know:)