sometime life is hard, but doing what u have to do is harder

Life is hard.. Whoever looks like there happy and never looks upset to u is LYING... Straight up!!!! Ive decided to start my own path... I need aloneness... i hate that i probably  wont see any of my blood family ever again but its something i have to do... i have to relive my past alone. That's really what i need. aloneless.. quietness.. i wanna stand on top of the highest mountain by myself i wanna feel like I'm in the clouds. i want to feel like i have to force myself to breathe to stay alive. i feel like me being alone will help/ i need to relive my past in order to start my real future. the second chance was amazing. but life's hard and doing what u need to do is harder..

...

There is no exuse of  " oh well i love him " If he cheated on you then what the hell are you thinking. Hes a bastard!! duh... obviously he cheated on you so that means he really didnt wanna be with you!!! gosh people kill me... WERE TEENS.. WE DONT LOVE!!! and if he is sending pictures of his penis to your best friend and she shows then to you and you beleive him over her. then ur retarded.. straight up

What i want in a man:)

So ive just kinda been rambling on about the whole depression bullcrap haha but kinda figured ide right about something else for a change:P
So ive decided to go on a rampage on what i find in a perfect guy for me:)

   So i love attention:) i crave attention 24/7 lol i cant help it:) Now not saying that if my man had to work ( which is required ) and he had to work long shifts and couldnt talk to me, i think i could live.. haha but anywayss.. i love being called beautiful and gorgeous and sexy. I just want him be able to make me feel good about myself.  Ill NEVER admit it and ill never say two words about it but i love surprises and i love gifts haha. I could 100 % do with out but its just sweet:)  I love just riding around and listening to music. LOUD music:) So a drivers license is a must! Ill admit sometimes i can be a little bit of a bit**. I like a guy who isnt scared to stand up to me and put me in my place:) Even if that means me turning into a bigger bit**... I like a guy who doesnt pout lol be a man lol i promise if i do something to piss you off. i can make up for it later:) I like a guy thats serious about our relationship but can mess with me and isnt afraid to party with me. You can look but if i see ur hands on a another girl. Im gonna show a guy how hard a girl can throw a punch:P Mostly i want a guy who isnt scared to be with me around his friends and can say and proves to me how he loves me:) Showing it and saying it means two different things to me. But i like both... Hmmm Surprise me! bring take out over to my house and we can watch movies and hangout:)  I dont mind ordering pizza and lighting candles and the night can be just for us:) Tell me what your doing. It may sound like im being nosey. but i like to know when ur with ur friends. When i ask u over a txt what ur doing and u say nothing and ur really at ur friends house. im gonna get pissed off. and thats just because i can lol For my last little tip! Has to be able to play in the mud with me..

When you think you have something going reallly good and u begin to gain happiness... and some plans change.. and u were looking forward to that something happening and u had everything planned... its like a big smack in the face... i started putting my walls down because of what was going to take place. mabe my closure will never happen. i need it.. bad... i never got the chance to re gain myself.. and it hurts.. so bad.. i feel like i just got pushed ten more steps back ward when i started to pick up my pace a little bit.. way to go skyler.. this is why my head works the way it does. its always been one thing after another... and another.. and another... and its still going. mabe nothing i write on this stupid blog is making any sense to anyone.. but its a little distraction from the world i guess.. mabe i dont know what i want from life.. but i know what i want right now. i want home.. my mom.. my friends. i want to be able to put flowers on my daddys grave. to hug my sister. to see my family.. mabe its all to much to ask for.. im sorry for asking soo much.. but dont a deserve to be a little happy and look forward to something in my life.. idk anymore.. im thinkng about giving up. i cant try.. my heart hurts.. bad... and theres no way in explaing the feeling.. it just hurts

Sittin here thinking about some pretty messed up shit:P lol ughh i dont know anymore. im trying to believe the whol everything happens for a reason stuff but now im thinking tht life is hard. but doing what u have to do is harder

not caring

Its hard enough being in a foster home, but its even harder when no one listens to a damn word u say. n when u threaten them they still dont give a flying fuck!!! i only have a couple ppl tht listen to me. ha nevermind only 1... my aunt wilda. thnk god for her lol. i mean if someone does listen they only listen to half of what i say and sometimes they just turn everything u say around or think of it as something else. im so tired of caring. im gonna put my walls back up n not give a shit :/

Whatver

So i dated this guy Kyle right. Well his ex is having the baby today. Kinda pissing me off because no body will leave me alone about it. Its just like what the fuck. i think i have enough shit to deal with. I personally just feel bad for the kid. Bad part about it. it that through the whole pregnancy he didnt want nothing to do with her n was with other girl n was with me. Bitch he dont want you. he just wants his baby. DUHHH

I HATE YOU!!!

I hate all of you stupid ass people that up and left me! I hate You!!! I hate you MOM for giving up on me.You didnt try. You didnt stop the drugs to save me. I hate you DADDY for fucking dying and leaving me all alone. To deal with life BY MYSELF. YOU SAID you were gonna be there. You said that you were gonna dance at my fucking wedding. What happened? everytime you n mama got into it i was on your damn side. i wanted to go with you!!! Why did you die? was the shit my fault? What did i do to deserve this shit??? WTF. I hate you MANDY for leaving me. For not even asking me to come with you. WHY? WTF did i ever do to you? I miss YOU. I want you to hold me. I miss our late night talks. I miss talking to you every night when we got seperated. I WISH ALL YOU FUCKING PEOPLE KNEW HOW BEING LEFT ALONE FELT!!! Im empty. Im broken. There is no healing. I hate everyone. My heart is torn. Its not cracked!!! Why? what did i ever do? im 15? what did i do? did i say something. Act like someone else? Did i hurt u like your hurting me? Help me? give me someone? show me something? why? i cant stop. i cant. im calling out to you. im trying. please im fucking begging you stupid ass people. help me!! you people make me want to go to sleep and never wake up again.

one of the guys

I miss walking into my old high school and seeing all the guys every morning in the same corner. If i didn't stop to talk to them they would whistle at me. No matter what they had my attention. Walking into ROTC and just belonging. Going to agriculture and having Matt and Chris throw me around like a little rag doll. Going to lunch and always having j.j there to make me feel better and laugh and give me a hug. going to English and having Justin and Jeremy and Colby to make me bout piss myself from laughing so hard. yeah i might talked bout a bunch of guys. but there the ones who have touched my heart the most. Girls start shit. Guys and me. we click. not in the whorish way but we say fuck the world and have Fun no matter how many people look at us or talk shit. We game for everything. There the people who i call my best friends. were all just people who have the same interests. NOT SEX. but not caring.  Were heart breaker. Were trouble makers. and that's just us. Don't like it. Fuck y'all :) When guys are with me. there intimated by them. there staring at them taking notes. if my boys don't agree with who I'm with. that boy can forget about me. Same goes with girls that are with them. They stare at me taking notes:)

The wait is worth it!

 Sometimes, waiting for that special moment is worth it. Where you see your friends and family run toward you, and hug you. Them telling you how much they missed you. No matter how long. There the people who WILL be waiting for you. The people you grew up with. Them. That's who. I cant wait for that moment. I long for that moment. When you look into all there eyes and you see them water. You cry. It looks like a sad moment to others, but your heart becomes whole.

 i hate just getting frustrated. I know the saying... You don't know what u have until u have lost it all. but truthfully i couldn't give 2 shits lol but it still kinda bothers me.. whatever. it ll bother me for a week then ill get over it ha ha probably less than that..  WHATEVER ha ha..... ugh i just wanna run. like really run.. like a mile or 2 then turn around and come Right back lol... or scream it out n not talk blah blah blah... Is anyone understanding this feeling at all lol ughhhh

Sometimes... A girl has to do what a girl has to do. No my life isn't revolved just around guys, but hell if i have a problem with one i fell for.. then you best believe that I'm gonna act. I'm stubborn i cant help that. I know where my heart lies. I know where i belong. Yes! later on i might have some big regrets, but hell. I'm acting for the moment. I'm done looking out for my future. What the point in a long life.. If all your worried about is how your future is going to turn out?? I know I'm not making any sense tonight, so I'm sorry. Maybe later on i can explain it more in detail.