Teenagers who aren't alone. Fhl

sometime life is hard, but doing what u have to do is harder

2012-01-20T17:12:00.000-08:00

Life is hard.. Whoever looks like there happy and never looks upset to u is LYING... Straight up!!!! Ive decided to start my own path... I need aloneness... i hate that i probably wont see any of my blood family ever again but its something i have to do... i have to relive my past alone. That's really what i need. aloneless.. quietness.. i wanna stand on top of the highest mountain by myself i wanna feel like I'm in the clouds. i want to feel like i have to force myself to breathe to stay alive. i feel like me being alone will help/ i need to relive my past in order to start my real future. the second chance was amazing. but life's hard and doing what u need to do is harder..

...

2012-01-19T14:06:00.000-08:00

There is no exuse of " oh well i love him " If he cheated on you then what the hell are you thinking. Hes a bastard!! duh... obviously he cheated on you so that means he really didnt wanna be with you!!! gosh people kill me... WERE TEENS.. WE DONT LOVE!!! and if he is sending pictures of his penis to your best friend and she shows then to you and you beleive him over her. then ur retarded.. straight up

What i want in a man:)

2012-01-17T12:42:00.000-08:00

So ive just kinda been rambling on about the whole depression bullcrap haha but kinda figured ide right about something else for a change:P
So ive decided to go on a rampage on what i find in a perfect guy for me:)

So i love attention:) i crave attention 24/7 lol i cant help it:) Now not saying that if my man had to work ( which is required ) and he had to work long shifts and couldnt talk to me, i think i could live.. haha but anywayss.. i love being called beautiful and gorgeous and sexy. I just want him be able to make me feel good about myself. Ill NEVER admit it and ill never say two words about it but i love surprises and i love gifts haha. I could 100 % do with out but its just sweet:) I love just riding around and listening to music. LOUD music:) So a drivers license is a must! Ill admit sometimes i can be a little bit of a bit**. I like a guy who isnt scared to stand up to me and put me in my place:) Even if that means me turning into a bigger bit**... I like a guy who doesnt pout lol be a man lol i promise if i do something to piss you off. i can make up for it later:) I like a guy thats serious about our relationship but can mess with me and isnt afraid to party with me. You can look but if i see ur hands on a another girl. Im gonna show a guy how hard a girl can throw a punch:P Mostly i want a guy who isnt scared to be with me around his friends and can say and proves to me how he loves me:) Showing it and saying it means two different things to me. But i like both... Hmmm Surprise me! bring take out over to my house and we can watch movies and hangout:) I dont mind ordering pizza and lighting candles and the night can be just for us:) Tell me what your doing. It may sound like im being nosey. but i like to know when ur with ur friends. When i ask u over a txt what ur doing and u say nothing and ur really at ur friends house. im gonna get pissed off. and thats just because i can lol For my last little tip! Has to be able to play in the mud with me..

2012-01-16T14:02:00.000-08:00

When you think you have something going reallly good and u begin to gain happiness... and some plans change.. and u were looking forward to that something happening and u had everything planned... its like a big smack in the face... i started putting my walls down because of what was going to take place. mabe my closure will never happen. i need it.. bad... i never got the chance to re gain myself.. and it hurts.. so bad.. i feel like i just got pushed ten more steps back ward when i started to pick up my pace a little bit.. way to go skyler.. this is why my head works the way it does. its always been one thing after another... and another.. and another... and its still going. mabe nothing i write on this stupid blog is making any sense to anyone.. but its a little distraction from the world i guess.. mabe i dont know what i want from life.. but i know what i want right now. i want home.. my mom.. my friends. i want to be able to put flowers on my daddys grave. to hug my sister. to see my family.. mabe its all to much to ask for.. im sorry for asking soo much.. but dont a deserve to be a little happy and look forward to something in my life.. idk anymore.. im thinkng about giving up. i cant try.. my heart hurts.. bad... and theres no way in explaing the feeling.. it just hurts

2012-01-15T12:06:00.000-08:00

Sittin here thinking about some pretty messed up shit:P lol ughh i dont know anymore. im trying to believe the whol everything happens for a reason stuff but now im thinking tht life is hard. but doing what u have to do is harder

not caring

2012-01-13T17:04:00.000-08:00

Its hard enough being in a foster home, but its even harder when no one listens to a damn word u say. n when u threaten them they still dont give a flying fuck!!! i only have a couple ppl tht listen to me. ha nevermind only 1... my aunt wilda. thnk god for her lol. i mean if someone does listen they only listen to half of what i say and sometimes they just turn everything u say around or think of it as something else. im so tired of caring. im gonna put my walls back up n not give a shit :/

Whatver

2012-01-11T12:55:00.000-08:00

So i dated this guy Kyle right. Well his ex is having the baby today. Kinda pissing me off because no body will leave me alone about it. Its just like what the fuck. i think i have enough shit to deal with. I personally just feel bad for the kid. Bad part about it. it that through the whole pregnancy he didnt want nothing to do with her n was with other girl n was with me. Bitch he dont want you. he just wants his baby. DUHHH

I HATE YOU!!!

2012-01-10T14:26:00.000-08:00

I hate all of you stupid ass people that up and left me! I hate You!!! I hate you MOM for giving up on me.You didnt try. You didnt stop the drugs to save me. I hate you DADDY for fucking dying and leaving me all alone. To deal with life BY MYSELF. YOU SAID you were gonna be there. You said that you were gonna dance at my fucking wedding. What happened? everytime you n mama got into it i was on your damn side. i wanted to go with you!!! Why did you die? was the shit my fault? What did i do to deserve this shit??? WTF. I hate you MANDY for leaving me. For not even asking me to come with you. WHY? WTF did i ever do to you? I miss YOU. I want you to hold me. I miss our late night talks. I miss talking to you every night when we got seperated. I WISH ALL YOU FUCKING PEOPLE KNEW HOW BEING LEFT ALONE FELT!!! Im empty. Im broken. There is no healing. I hate everyone. My heart is torn. Its not cracked!!! Why? what did i ever do? im 15? what did i do? did i say something. Act like someone else? Did i hurt u like your hurting me? Help me? give me someone? show me something? why? i cant stop. i cant. im calling out to you. im trying. please im fucking begging you stupid ass people. help me!! you people make me want to go to sleep and never wake up again.

one of the guys

2012-01-04T17:27:00.000-08:00

I miss walking into my old high school and seeing all the guys every morning in the same corner. If i didn't stop to talk to them they would whistle at me. No matter what they had my attention. Walking into ROTC and just belonging. Going to agriculture and having Matt and Chris throw me around like a little rag doll. Going to lunch and always having j.j there to make me feel better and laugh and give me a hug. going to English and having Justin and Jeremy and Colby to make me bout piss myself from laughing so hard. yeah i might talked bout a bunch of guys. but there the ones who have touched my heart the most. Girls start shit. Guys and me. we click. not in the whorish way but we say fuck the world and have Fun no matter how many people look at us or talk shit. We game for everything. There the people who i call my best friends. were all just people who have the same interests. NOT SEX. but not caring. Were heart breaker. Were trouble makers. and that's just us. Don't like it. Fuck y'all :) When guys are with me. there intimated by them. there staring at them taking notes. if my boys don't agree with who I'm with. that boy can forget about me. Same goes with girls that are with them. They stare at me taking notes:)

The wait is worth it!

2012-01-04T08:58:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, waiting for that special moment is worth it. Where you see your friends and family run toward you, and hug you. Them telling you how much they missed you. No matter how long. There the people who WILL be waiting for you. The people you grew up with. Them. That's who. I cant wait for that moment. I long for that moment. When you look into all there eyes and you see them water. You cry. It looks like a sad moment to others, but your heart becomes whole.

2012-01-02T19:55:00.000-08:00

i hate just getting frustrated. I know the saying... You don't know what u have until u have lost it all. but truthfully i couldn't give 2 shits lol but it still kinda bothers me.. whatever. it ll bother me for a week then ill get over it ha ha probably less than that.. WHATEVER ha ha..... ugh i just wanna run. like really run.. like a mile or 2 then turn around and come Right back lol... or scream it out n not talk blah blah blah... Is anyone understanding this feeling at all lol ughhhh

2012-01-01T18:38:00.000-08:00

Sometimes... A girl has to do what a girl has to do. No my life isn't revolved just around guys, but hell if i have a problem with one i fell for.. then you best believe that I'm gonna act. I'm stubborn i cant help that. I know where my heart lies. I know where i belong. Yes! later on i might have some big regrets, but hell. I'm acting for the moment. I'm done looking out for my future. What the point in a long life.. If all your worried about is how your future is going to turn out?? I know I'm not making any sense tonight, so I'm sorry. Maybe later on i can explain it more in detail.

2011-12-31T10:48:00.000-08:00

Im curious on how far i would get if i left... Would i make it to my destinatin or go half way and turn around and pray that the people i left would take me back? Do i have it made or is living the life i use to live just enough to make me truly have the hole in my heart heeled? To be heeled do i need to face my fears and go to wear my daddy is buried and scream. My old life is where my territory is and i protect that. Thats my ground. Thats where my blood is. Thats my view that i love the most.

If i could have 1 wish.

2011-12-29T11:33:00.000-08:00

If i could have one wish, would i wish for my daddy to be alive so he can hold me one more time. Or in the end would that be a bad thing because for him to hold me one more time it might just put me in more pain, because he would have to leave me all over again. Would i wish to be back with my family in West Virginia, to be around the bad things and walk the streets and remember my past and how it hurt me. For me too look one more time at were i was truly raised and picture my daddy's death aver and over again, because those place around my hometown is where me and him were at. Would i wish for my sister to start over and this time not leave me behind just because she thought she had to. Would i wish to be alone. Higher than the trees higher than the highest mountains. higher than the clouds and higher the n outer space. and higher than whatever else there is. So i could be alone. and free. Would i wish for me to have never existed. Or would i wish to have more wishes. So i could fix me, because everyone knows I'm broken and there is no way to put me back together. Or are all these wishes just dreams. Dreams that could never come true. I stopped wishing along time ago. I don't believe in the magic. I don't make wishes on my birthday or on a shooting star. I have no reason to. My wishes aren't normal. I wish and they do the complete opposite. Dreams for me aren't made to make real. Or at least if my dreams could be real i would be the happiest girl on the entire planet. I could fly with the wind. I could Swim with sharks and dolphins. I could stare at the sun and touch the moon. I could make it to heaven.

Belonging

2011-12-28T16:02:00.000-08:00

Talking to some people today brought up some old stuff. I don't know what to do. My sister ran away. As of right now I'm the only person who knows where she truly is. When it comes down to it. I would give off hints, but i love her to much to blow her cover. We always had each others backs and that's never going to change. So is that so wrong? Personally i just want her to be safe. No matter the cost. It ain't over yet. This is just the beginning and it hurts. Any second i could be gone. I love this family. Ill always do. They made me feel whole here. And the hole from where my daddy died felt like it was recovering, but now I'm feeling like I've just be suppressing it. Where do i truly belong? I don't truly know where my Head stands, and with every decision i make. How do i know its the right one? This has been going through my mind all day. I just.. I just don't know. Is it true? blood is thicker than water? I don't know. Is there no place like home. I know where my heart stands.. I think. I grew up on the hills in West Virginia and that's all i know. I cant help but miss the real me. Which no one has seen yet. I don't know where to go from here. I'm on edge. Come on! I'm in foster care. I cant help but missing being me. How do i find my true identity when i cant be myself, because I'm terrified to fuck something else up in my life.. I wish i could just fly away and go higher than the mountains and be stress free. To feel the wind in my face and float as if i was invisible. Where no one knew me. I could be alone. Just be me. Where i could keep my thoughts as one instead of being mixed around in my head..

...

2011-12-24T13:13:00.001-08:00

So Christmas is tommorow.. Im going to be without my sister for the first time.. It hurts, but i called my step daddys dad. Pap Blake. He said that if anyone can make it, it would be me. Made my heart melt and made my Christmas

2011-12-23T14:45:00.000-08:00

Needing new people to talk to. Just to keep my mind off things. It wont stay out of my head. Its too the point where i just want to get sick. I have the whole in my chest still. WTF. I just dont want to do this stuff anymore. This is the time where i want a man to hold me. I cant take it. It hurts. Im just.. Just so stressed. I just want my momma to hold me. I wanna crawl in a hole and stay there forever... UGHHHH!!! I love my sister so much and i hate that she is going through this. If she goes any where im going to.

2011-12-23T13:55:00.000-08:00

Christmas is seriously my worst holiday! Every year something bad happens. Last year - Just got out of a group home with my sister. step mom comes out calling us idiots. Me and My sister opened up Christmas presents in silence. This year - Just found out today my sister is getting moved to a 3rd foster home and she is having a really tough time with it. She almost got put back into a lock up again. This stuff really sucks. Ive been crossing my finger since December started and i knew something bad was going to happen and it did. Me and My sister are talking about some stuff that i cant really say, but its going to happen and i hope it all works out. and if it don't then it will one day.. hopefully. I'm so stressed out and i keep having these anxiety attacks. I just hate Xmas and my birthday. Shit Sucks. I could just really use people i can really talk to.

The dating game

2011-12-23T09:29:00.000-08:00

So, i was watching this movie and it kinda got me thinking about the whole dating world. Most Kids in high school say they have a boyfriend or girlfriend, but have they actually went out on a date? Or is it just in school? Whats the point of " dating " if there not actually getting to know another and there not spending time with each other with out the sex talk or just walking around and feeling powerful, because you actually have that person for the moment? Whats the point of being with someone all through school when, most the time good bye will be involved. Just, Whats the point of love. I guess its because i have been hurt so many times. Ive only loved and lost. Ive never loved and could say that person is gonna be with me forever and there would never be a heart break in there somewhere. I don't know... Everything goes good to bad. Ive never been on a " date " so i guess that's why i think this way. Ive constantly settled for a guy who liked me and I've went for it taking the risk and then started liking him later. I want to like someone and they really likes me back. For me, not for the person i could be or what i was. Ive changed for guys. I don't want to do that anymore. i know i say I'm done with guys but i know truly I'm not. I think I'm going to wait for that someone. I depend to much on guys. That's how it has been since i was little. I put my energy into a guy that doesn't mean anything. I trust to much. I like this guy now and i doubt it would ever happen because theres to many other girls like him and i cant help but feel not good enough. Ive never said that with any other guy, but its just this one. i don't know if I'm up for the challenge, because i don't want to waste my time. It could be because I'm to dang stubborn and i have so much pride. I don't know...

A true Family

2011-12-20T13:32:00.000-08:00

A family cares, a family supports you and helps you, a family misses you every second when your gone. A family loves you. Always and Forever. They know what you've been through, they've seen it and helped you. No matter your decisions they'll always truly be the only one that are there. Its not about whose blond you share. Its about the care. You feel warm and safe around them. My family is at my old high school i transferred from. Up in the little room above the gym. Where you can see the American flag outside of the classroom. JROTC. ARMY STYLE. Top was truly my best friend. He talked to me about everything and anything. I get teary eyed just thinking about him. He inspired me to make the decisions to do what I've done. Not the bad, but the good. He showed me how to care. The cadets in that room were not like the others in high school. what happened in ROTC stayed in ROTC. It was family. That was the strongest love I've ever felt in my life. We joked around and talked a lot, but at the end of the day. We were always there. May not have been the best in others eyes but in ours we conquered the entire world. I can i haven't loved much in my life. Hardly a boy or a mother and father, but ROTC is what i loved. The cadets are what i loved. top and Colonel are what i loved. To spend one more day in that class would tare me apart. Just because i know i would have to leave again. I want to sit in that corner chair like i did since i was a let 2. One more day would make my dreams come true. I always wish just one more day with my family. I don't want to ever grow apart form them, They taught me true life. I love You guys and please never forget.

Not a girl, not yet a woman.

2011-12-20T13:17:00.000-08:00

I'm not that little girl anymore. I don't where my little old pony tails. i don't jump at the sight of a toy. I care about what people think of me. I stopped drawing suns on the corner of my paper. I'm not a girl anymore but I'm not yet a woman. I still write on my papers when I'm with someone ( Mr. and Mrs. and his last name) . I still write i love him on my hands and all i want to do is hang out with him. i still wish i was that little girl and sometimes i wish i could take care of myself and never look back at the life Ive had. Truth is I'm not ready to be a woman but I'm not 10 anymore. I'm finding myself and sometimes its hard but at least I'm trying. once you grow up there will never be a going back. dream big. love everyone. don't cry over a boy because there is going to be thousand more. I'm not as innocent as i once was. I've hit up some roads i never wish i saw. i regret a lot, but I'm moving forward. I say i don't care what people think about me, but if someone calls me a name it takes everything i have to stay in control of my self. If someone asks me to dance I'm going to, because I'm going to take the risk and be fifteen. Take the chance and never regret. think before you speak. Just re consider things before you mess up alot. I wish i could be that little girl and it kills me that i cant go back and re write my true story but im moving forward and im trying to be happy.

BOYSS!!!

2011-12-19T18:56:00.000-08:00

Ehhhh.... My topic ha ha.. nothing to inspiring. but hey! nothing else to talk about considering that's the only things on my mind anymore. Sometimes i love just listening to some Fergie and stuff:P just gets me all up and thinking about random crap loll.So i dated this guy for 8 months first guy i ever fell in love with. We broke up, because i thought i was pregnant. He turned 18. It just didn't work out. I think about him everyday hoping he still thinks about me. NEXT ----> Jake..... Well he just wanted sex...... Yeahhhh ..... nvm bout him.. NEXT-----> Kyle.... He wouldn't get a job. He got this girl pregnant and well he didn't want to support, slept till 1 or 2 skipped school, gonna fail, i put all my energy into him and i hope one day he sees i just wanted to help him and I'm sorry for breaking his heart. NOW----.> I haven't figured that out i have talked to a couple people, but I'm not sure. Like i said i want to slow down. I'm 15. Ya know? Every girl wants to be like Cinderella. Prince Charming. The lost slipper. I just want to be me. But with a twist. I want marriage and babies now. I don't know why, but I've been through hell and i want stuff that's mine.... If your a teenager, i think you know the feeling. Just know other people are having that feeling to. BTW if you embarrass your self in front of a guy and they still like you. Its perfect:) Today i went to this Christmas party for foster kids and i met Mat. So cute. He walked outside and mama wanted to go smoke a cig. and i ran into this light up moose and almost fell on my face. He busted out laughing. I still got his number and were talking now:P no such thing as a bad kid, just a good kid with problems

2011-12-18T12:21:00.000-08:00

So i decided to put a pretty big issue out there. I have issues being single.. I know I'm 15. Blah blah blah. Every man in my life has ended up leaving me. Fathers, Brothers, Etc.. I hate the feeling of being alone. I have to have my hand held. I have to be kissed. I have to feel wanted. It sounds really bad. I'm in the process of fixing it. When i don't have some body giving me the attention i crave for. I get put in this mood and my mind is set as if no body loves me and no body cares. I know it's not true. Thousands of girls have this feeling of wanting to be wanted. Is that so bad? I guess.. My way of dealing with this thing called 'depression' is sleeping. I could sleep my whole life away if i could, the way i choose not to do that is to have a man around to say things to. Whether he is bad news or now. I also get very attached so when me and that special some one ( at the time ) break up or it just doesn't work out it gets worse. i go to counseling, but that just sucks to. I want the advise, but i don't listen to it. I do my own thing. I just hate getting the feeling in the pit of my stomach.

If It Was like that?

2011-12-17T15:31:00.000-08:00

I'm kind of curious on what would happen if i was pregnant? I recently found out that my 16 year old sister might be pregnant. It's not for sure yet, but i was with her when she took the home pregnancy test and as far as i know it was positive... I can't go into what mad me think of this, but it just kind of popped in my little brain :P I know it's like this all over the country, but how could a teenager deal with school, A foster home, and being pregnant. Hmmmm I dont know.

2011-12-17T10:52:00.000-08:00

Feeling alone isn't unusual for me, but the emptiness i feel is just something you can't explain. It's kinda like when you love someone and you have butterflys in your stomache everytime you see them or when you loose someone. You have that hole in your body and you just can't say it or explain how it feels. The feeling just kinda SUCKS... I've been having that feeling more and more lately. I just lay in bed for a couple hours before and after i'm in bed. Sometimes i just stair into space. I don't know what to say or think. When people talk to me, i have a huge wall up. I don't want to let people in. I've explained so much stuff to people to in my life and something ends up happening to them or they just fall out of my life. Just like that. I love to talk. I could talk your ear off, but not so much anymoe. I could probably sit in the same spot for hours and not eve realize i'm doing it. I'm glad i have this family that loves and cares about me, but sometime i could dissapear or just be invisible. I want other people to know how my life is, butwithout having to tell the story. I want to talk to teenagers who have pretty much the same life as i have so we can really get deep and dirty in the stories and where we really understand each other as if we were in the same body and have seen the same stuff.

The Begining... Just to get the 411 of it all..

2011-12-16T18:59:00.000-08:00

Im 15. I'm a Country girl. I love to hunt, fish, four - wheel, and muddin:) Looking at me you would see an innocent child. No problems. Very out going. Does'nt have a care in the world, the reality is, i've been hurt. In more than one ways. My mom ran away with me and my full sister Mandy when i was younger From Oklahoma to West Virginia. My nana lived in Kansas so before the whole WV thing, we lived back and forth from OK to KS. My dad always layed his hands on us. He still won't admit it, but he did. While we were in WV my mama met my step daddy. He was my best friend. I couln't be away from him. He called me his side kick. I didnt start staying at anyones house till i was 13. Crazy Right? well anyways my so called " real dad " Took us from them cause my sister and i got into some major trouble. Well we came down here to NC with him. My step daddy passed away. They say it was because of an anurismn and his heart exploded. Well i know it was from shooting up. Yeah my aunt stuck him in the tongue. I coulda..... But i didnt. I miss him all the time. ( 03/19/2010) Rip. Anywayss when he died my father started freaking out about everything. He started laying his hands on me... wont go into all that.. I got seperated from my sister, because of foster homes. Were only an hour apart. Oct. 16th is when we got seperated, so it hasn't been that long ago. It's been tough, but were makig it through fine. Well That's it for the night.. Any questions anyone has, im a straight up person i'll tell you exactly what you want to know:)